I found your antidepressants by accident.
It’s been eight long years knowing him. Six years with my depression. An hour knowing yours.
His dress shirts are bigger now than when I used to date him. I put one on this morning; he was gone when I woke up because some things never change. I reached up on top of the refrigerator to get the basket of bread to make myself some toast before catching my flight home when I saw the prescription label through the weave.
Your Doctor’s Name.
Your Address, your pharmacy, your dosage, your instructions, your warnings, your number of refills.
Lexapro. And your birth control. That’s what I found.
In that moment, I felt as if I’d just missed you. As if you’d just left the room. Just closed the door behind you. And when I leave the apartment to catch my flight home, perhaps whatever woman comes after me will smell my perfume in the doorway.
There wasn’t any other sign you’d been here. And no sign from him that you were maybe more like me than I would have liked to believe. He’d told me stories about you, because he was my pill when I quit the real stuff. He cradled my psyche the way that Citalopram never did and never could.
I don’t know how long you’ve been on antidepressants. And maybe you’d be mortified if I knew you were on them. (If you even knew who I was.) But I’ve gotta say, good for you.
No one ever really knows what will work for them: I’ve tried diets, pills, exercise, prescription Vitamin D, sex, anorexia…
But for the longest time, the familiarity of the pain that I felt with him was what worked. Even when everything else failed. The agony of the absence of his love and his best effort to convince me otherwise was my drug of choice.
He came with no instructions, no dosage, no warnings but I always refilled.
I can’t say what changed. Because you know, some things never do. But after a full weekend with him in the apartment you recently vacated, it didn’t hurt the same way it used to. I felt nothing for him.
I felt everything for you.
The Lexapro bottle was empty. I hope that it’s working for you.